Emotions, not yet

Hi Friends,

It has been a long time since I posted. My last few themes were about rest and new beginnings, seasons changing. It was time for my body to physically follow suit and I was sick for many weeks with Influenza B. On top of that, there has been a restructure at my work and I am taking a redundancy.

This has left me in a strange place of excitement for new things and fear and sadness about leaving what I knew.

It is in this experience that my alexithymia is showing though. I have spoke about alexithyma in a previous posts. What I am really seeing in this phase of my life, as to many emotions present themselves, I freeze. We all have fight, flight or freeze responses. I get tired and zone out. I know this because of the insane amount of fatigue I have been feeling and sleeping a lot. It it when, unknowingly I tap into what it going on from circumstance that I realise what is happening.

For me this occurred last night with my mother-in-law. I was talking about how I needed a break and my soul was tired and then the flood gates opened. It was in this moment that I also realised why I haven’t been blogging. There has been a lot of emotion that I haven’t been able to touch or interact with. It has just slowly slowly been building.

Recently, I was listening to the beginner photography podcast. The tip for this episode was the importance of framing, and to pause and take a moment to frame. This made me pause and think, this is something we can all do for ourselves in everyday life. Often we are put in positions and it is about take a step back and asking yourself, how am I going to frame this? Attitude and perception are so very important. I have been trying to do this whilst all these emotions have been swirling around. It has definitely been helpful.

So where to from now. My goal is to switch on and not off. I feel like I can try and touch those parts of my soul that are yearning for love.

Without work, I can take a break, reconnect with myself and all the things I have been trying to do with this blog. This and my creative pursuits are really what makes my heart sing and through this transition time I have to hold onto them as much as I can. Not to turn out big projects but old along. That is what I have aimed for all along and I forgot that for a bit. Again, this is all part of the journey and were we are going, together.

I am also fighting the urge to plan and organise. Just being and letting the universe do its thing is not my strong point. I have no control at the moment and that is hard but I know from this there will be amazing growth.

xx