I’m sad, I think? Emotions you can’t touch

This is my last week ok work. I feel sad. I say that, but when people talk about feeling sad I’m not feeling like that, I don’t look like that. My version of sadness is close to numbness but it’s not that either. It’s like I’m switched off. If you imagine a light, it’s there and I know it can be turned on and off. Im like a dimmer light on it’s lowest setting. Last night when lying in bed, I was able to have a cry. I think this was because there was no other external stimulation but yesterday and today, it’s a flatness, a dullness, a tiredness where I just don’t know what to do, what I want, what I need, nothing. It’s not quite non verbal but there is no connection with myself.

Through the work I have done on myself, in my job and what I have learnt about myself from writing this blog, I knew that if I took my adhd meds it would help, it would give me a bit of clarity and turn up the light just a little. Even that was hard though. I did it, it was tough, and with motivational support from my husband, I was actually able to do some yard work. Vitamin D, fresh air and a feeling of accomplishment has helped so much. The light is brighter again.

The sadness is still there. I am leaving a workplace I have been in for 11 years and some amazing people. I had stepping into the unknown. I am scared. I still can’t touch either of them and maybe I am getting them confused.

This is alexithymia in action. It can be so frustrating because I want to feel. I want to feel all the range of emotions and show them, to be vulnerable and authentic. In a way I am doing that but it’s looks so different. Or maybe that is even my autism not fully understanding not only emotions but the social rules around emotion. It is like a continuous question hanging over your head, is this normal, is this me, what is this? I don’t understand!

The next level to this is then if we don’t understand our emotions, how are we going to teach emotional intelligence to children. This opens up so many more questions for another day.