Preparing for the Next Ride

Waiting for the next ride

The roller coaster of life has been at its peak this week. The ups and downs have been growing in size until its pinnacle, and slowly I feel like we are coming to the end of this ride, ready to disembark for the next ride. 

It has been a couple of weeks since my last post. I did not have the capacity to write, I have been so tired, so overwhelmed, doing anything extra to the daily basics was not happening. My default theme song of “I’m not good enough’ has been a haunting tune. Rather then try to move away from it, and silencing that f@#ker, I thought I would sit down with it and go, ‘what’s the story’? It’s answer, living a life of values and expectations from a generation gone by, a generation where you had to be something, be working towards something. Not this generation where being yourself is perfectly fine and when you step back from your own negative self talk, you can see there is a lot where I am receiving positive feedback. This little situation is the difference between masking and not masking. Masking is trying so damn hard to live up to these expectation, to ‘be normal’ and fit in where as my rational, non masked self is flipping the bird to one and all. 

My non masked self, the odd little messy me, is still struggling a bit even with this realisation. Through a series of very draining emotional events, I was able to return to what is important, family and friends. There is freedom in this. Those whom I cherish, are the ones that see and love the non masked self, they value me being in their lives for who I am. This in itself is freeing. Not getting bogged down with the everyday things in life, they aren’t really that important and chances are in a week or a month, you won’t be thinking about these mundane tasks but the joy on faces of someone you love, that stays forever.

Slowly bit by bit, I am finding freedom and confidence in life but I am doing this in the quiet spaces. The events of the last two weeks have reminded me about things I love that I had forgotten about, the things that bring me joy. It is very adept with us going into winter right now. I am quiet, I am soft, I am being. I am taking stock and moving forward slowly and gently just as the winter months call us to do. Then, in the spring, new things germinate and grow. 

In being slow and gentle, I already feel the stirrings of new things. I am starting to write again, not just this blog but poetry. I have also had an idea for a novel. I am painting, I am reading, I am starting to do the things I wanted when I started this blog. But, shhh, don't talk to loudly, this is but the start my friends, we do not want to scare this creativity off. We want to watch, observe it graving on the meadow and seeing what it likes before we try to get close and get to know it more 

xx